God, my dad and emotions

It is 2:45 in the morning as I write this.  Last evening my church had 'dinner and a movie'.  The movie was called "Courageous".  Basically it was about 5 men who signed something like a promise letter to become better fathers.  It started to make me think about my father once again.  It was eating at me all night to talk to my mom about my dad.  I spend the Saturday nights at my moms and we go to church together in the morning, watch the F1 race in the afternoon and sometimes I stay for dinner.  Anyway, I digress. I went downstairs to get settled for bed even though it was only 11:30 pm.  That's early for me.  About 12:30 I had to go upstairs cuz nature was calling and my mom was still up watching t.v.  I started talking to her about my dad.  I asked her if he ever worried about me when I was in the hospitals all the time.  She said he worried about me and he worried about how they would treat me.  I didn't know that.   
     Come to find out me and my dad weren't real different.  He didn't show emotion, just anger.  He learned that from when he was a kid.  I guess my Opah (german for grandfather), wasn't a very emotional man either, very angry and cold.  I myself hold my emotions in until I explode and that is when I start punching things or cutting myself.  I always thought that physical pain is better than emotional pain.  I know it is wrong, but I can't stop myself.  It just takes over me, consumes me.  makes me feel better.  But my mom said that I can show some emotions.  She said I can show love and compassion.  I guess an outsiders view is sometimes different then what we think.
     I am new to the love of God and walking with Jesus.  I should probably pray more to help me through hard times, but in my 37 years I never had any religion.  I tried all different kinds: Wiccan, Hindu, Buddhism, then after my dad died I started attending a christian church.  It took me a few months, but I came to know God.  I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.  Some of you may be thinking 'yeah right, how can it lift a weight of your shoulders'. It really did though, now I know all the people that I love that have died are walking with Jesus, in a much better place.
     I'm not really sure where I was going with this post, but I guess I needed a place to put my feelings.  In my previous post I had talked about being in the psych ward.  They asked what I wanted to do and I said I wanted to go home.  The day they asked me that was my only day where I didn't flip out and that was probably because I slept all day, so I don't know what they were thinking letting me go.  I think they made a mistake.  I'm not quite sure I am ready to be out.  I am not doing the best but hey, thats the way it went.  I dont know what else to write.  It's 3:15 so I suppose I should at least lay down and watch some t.v. instead of sitting here making my mind work.  Goodnight.