Is suicide an answer?

     Is suicide an answer?  Well, I thought so, many times.  I've been in and out of psych wards for more than half my life thinking that was the answer.  Most of the time, I was committed, held on what they call 'a 15 day paper'.  That means they can keep me in the hospital for at least 15 days,and I couldn't sign myself out.  Looking back I can see why they were doing that to me.
     I was a cutter.  Sometimes I did it as a suicide attempt, but a lot of it was a replacement for emotional pain.  I loved the way it felt, I loved the way it looked.  There were many that should have had stitches, and my scars show that.  But since I started doing the cutting around the age of 15, I hid a lot of cuts from my parents.  I couldn't hide them all, and I would say 'oh the cat scratched me' or 'I got cut up from walking through the woods'.  Obviously, that was not the case and my mom would sometimes take me to the hospital but there was nothing they could do because it had been awhile since it happened.  I usually did my cutting at night so my mom never knew it till the next day.
     O.K., now I'm getting off track.  I thought suicide was an answer because I hated my family, which I know a lot of people would say that.  At 15, major depression started to kick in.  I started drinking and smoking pot.  I didn't care if I was reckless.  Me and some friends would race down back roads, cutting each other of in the turns, or drive through stop lights on the wrong side of the road (my best friend said he would never forget that because I scared the shit out of him).
     Sometimes, I would take a bunch of pills to try to off myself.  I wasn't very good with that one. I knew the amount I was taking wouldn't have killed me, but I had other people thinking differently.  At 16, I started stealing pills out of my dad's medicine cabinet.  I had no clue what they were, or what they did, I just knew he wasn't taking them anymore so they were fair game.  I would try them in different combinations, but usually it would just make me dizzy or make my ears ring really loud.  Most of the time I would take them just before I left for school.
     Looking back on all this, I realize it was all stupid shit.  The only thing it would do is hurt those around me, people who love me and people I love.  Now that my Dad passed away and my only other sibling lives 4 states away, I realized just how devastating suicide would be on my family, especially on my Mom.  She would be up here on her own, mourning the death of my father and me.  I have seen first hand what my mom is going through losing my Dad.  I couldn't do that to her.
     I just really hope I can keep my mental illness in check.  I don't want to go down the suicide road again, but having mental illness, for me anyway, is like Russian roulette.  I never know when something is going to happen.  I can't control all my actions if my mental health issues worsens.
     Point is, suicide is not an answer.  It devastates people around you.  I had an old childhood friend who hung himself in his parents basement after his wife told him she wanted a divorce.  To this day I can still see in my head the purple mark around his neck that the funeral home could not cover.  I think about him all the time.
     I hope that by people reading this, they will know they are not alone.  People do think that their life sucks and that they'd be better off dead.  That is completely wrong.  Think about your friends, your family.  Think of what they would go through if you were to take your own life.  Get into counseling if need be. Talk to psychiatrists and see if maybe some medication might help with your mental illness.  Just don't kill yourself, your worth more than that.